I dropped Kai off at youth group tonight. Pulling up to the building, we said goodbye to each other as he climbed out of the van. A leader I recognized was at the door and the moment Kai’s feet touched the ground, the leader’s face filled with a smile as he called out Kai’s name in greeting. Genuine happiness seemed to fill his voice at seeing my son and Kai’s face responded with the same. “That is what it looks like to belong,” I thought to myself.
This past weekend, Kai went to a youth retreat in the area. It was three days long, no overnights, just really long, packed days in typical youth retreat style. There was food, games, competitions, worship, messages and more. Kai was exhausted but overflowing afterwards. It was his second year attending and on the way there that first day, our conversation turned to how this same event last year had changed his life. That sounds like a bold statement to make, as though he made a life altering decision or went through something absolutely crazy while attending. That’s not what happened. What did happen was that weekend last year set him on a course to find a place of belonging.
A year or so ago, I had a nearly teenage son who was downhearted. He didn’t want to talk about anything with us, he was beginning to turn to poor choices and we were actively seeking help because we didn’t know what to do. We knew for sure this did not look like a promising way to enter the teen years. We signed him up for this weekend church event and he was not particularly excited. While there, he connected with some old school friends he hadn’t seen in quite awhile. He also made new friends (in typical friendly Kai fashion). He had a good time overall and afterwards told us one of his old friends had invited Kai to try his youth group sometime. The very next week, our church’s youth group happened to be canceled. Kai asked if he could attend this other one and we said yes. I dropped him off, knowing absolutely no one, and feeling very odd about it. When I went to pick him up, he hopped in the car and talked nonstop about what the youth pastor had talked about that night. I nearly cried. That is what I’d wanted and hoped for all year- just for him to talk about God’s Word with such excitement and be overflowing after his Wednesday nights. We decided that night to let Kai go back and he has been a very regular attender ever since.
The change of course was gradual. A couple weeks later, I realized he was reading his Bible every morning- something I’d tried and tried to encourage him but with the help and outside influence of youth leaders he enjoyed and trusted, was finally sticking. Now he does so regularly, even if it is to snag a few minutes in the Word on a morning we are running late, and his actions encourage and spur me on to do the same, because honestly, on a frenzied morning, that is the first thing to go for me. His demeanor has changed and there is less pushback and fighting, more willingness and acceptance of the things he needs to do. We have serious conversations about things, he asks deep questions and seeks to understand. We also laugh and share a few of the same interests, including at least a tiny fraction of music which makes for a good time. He’s still a middle school boy with all the quirks and “fun” that comes along with that, but he’s a much happier one now. It hit me one day that I believe it comes from knowing you belong.
Many times when I’ve dropped him off, a leader or another kid has called out a warm greeting, typically just his name, but with excitement at seeing him. Their faces brighten, they extend their hands in a gesture of welcome as if to say, “I want to see you! I’m so happy you’re here and that I get to spend time with you!” I’m going to admit here, a bit embarrassed, that nearly every time, it has caused me to tear up. There are so many times in life when we are all walking through, just hoping to have a place to belong and to rest, even to feel that belonging from another person. We feel that because we were created to belong and I truly believe that every single one of us has a place we belong in the family of God and even more personally put, in relationship with Him. We find our satisfaction and true belonging in Him. I also fully believe that we can mirror that to each other- actually that we were MEANT to mirror that to each other- and create a place of belonging for others. After all, God said right off the bat in Genesis that it is not good for man to be alone. He formed His church and people through families and communities and I believe He uses us to point each other to Him. This sense of and place of belonging is one of those ways.
To some people it may sound selfish to want so badly to belong. They may question why it matters, may think it is too self-focused and is just based in a desire to feel good about yourself. I disagree. Recently I was with a friend and from her mannerisms, her conversation and words, she left me feeling as though I had value. She showed me I had a place in her life, that I belonged there in that moment and even in the friendship. Now I’ve been thinking excitedly of how I can rearrange my schedule to help her in whatever ways I can as she goes through a challenging time. I want to be present and to care for her and her family, all because she showed me this sense of belonging. It’s difficult to provide people a place of belonging when you only see them once a month, or when it can only be planned ahead for months down the road, or even when it’s a strictly scheduled ministry meeting regularly. It takes the “off-times”, the real and regular life times. It takes some openness, some curiosity, some flexibility in one’s life. But it matters. While on this earth, Jesus Himself showed people, sometimes the most unlikely people, that they had a place to belong. They belonged in and with Him and also with His people. We too have the same opportunity. I’ve watched having a place to belong transform a young teenage boy’s life and I know in different seasons how much it has changed mine. It makes me want to set hesitations aside, light a candle, fling open my door and welcome in any who need a place to just be- to be themselves, to be welcomed, heard and seen- to belong.