I have been thinking/wrestling a lot lately about community and what it really means in relation to the family of God, what God intends with it, how it affects every day life. It’s been sort of a lens or framework that many recent life situations and happenings have passed through. That is probably why such a small situation that happened the other day has me pondering it so much. There is a lot to learn even from the smallest moments, if we are paying attention.
The day was a doozy from the start. Some days I wake up and feel like someone else is living my life, because surely I couldn’t be that cranky and short-tempered, right? (Jk, jk). I know the Bible tells me what is in my heart is what comes out in those more pressing situations, so now I am well aware of how much work and refining still needs to be done in there. Maybe it was because family had just left and we were trying to get back into the school routine that we had set aside for a week. Maybe it was because the kids were running on less sleep and too many sugar rushes from Halloween and fall festivals and days of candy which was normally far from a daily occurrence. It didn’t help that I was still struggling with a cold and stuffy head that had hung on strong for three weeks. It was probably a mix of these things, plus a dirty house which can trigger the worst out of me when combined with other areas of overwhelm.
So I rolled out of bed even as I wanted to crawl back into it. It seems that 3 out of 4 of my children lacked motivation just like I did, and me being their primary motivator, that did not bode well for the day. The time neared for us to be leaving for a weekly meet-up at the park, one that unless something else was going on, the kids just assumed was going to be happening each week. Kai had already filled the back of the van with nerf guns and bullets in hopes of having an epic battle. However, the house was in disarray, things needed to happen before we could leave, and Sadie had actually put herself down for a nap (and she doesn’t even nap anymore!). I told the kids I didn’t know that we could make it, especially as we were going to be late and I was so tired of showing up late. Somehow we still all piled into the van, even as I was saying things about how we shouldn’t even be going. I argued with myself nearly the entire almost 40 minute drive about if it was really a good idea, and wondered if I was just going for Kai because he had been looking forward to it, or for the kids who all wanted to go see other kids and play, or because deep down I knew it was good for me too.
It reminded me of a time many years ago, back when I had just two little ones, a preschooler and barely toddler, when my friend Amy invited us over to her house. On this particular morning, we were really struggling. Everyone was having their own issues with moodiness, and thus throwing subsequent fits. I was exhausted before it was even time to go, but we packed up and made the trek to her house. I loved going to Amy’s; it was always warm and inviting, with soft music playing and candles lit. Lots of color, eclectic style, toys out for the kiddos to play with, coffee or tea always offered. I thought maybe the friends and the atmosphere would lift my boys out of whatever funk they were in, but it just wasn’t working that day. Instead of sitting and chatting, I was spending more time correcting and dealing with kiddos. Amy leaned over in the kitchen and told me that sometimes it was good to be with friends but sometimes the better thing was to stay home and tend to the needs of those in your home. I remember feeling discouraged by that- if I followed that advice, would that mean we should always stay in?!- but also grateful for her wisdom. We immediately packed up and went home. I wrote her a thank you note later that month, because as I learned to read the needs of the younger ones in my home, it did make our outings that much better.
Now that my kids are not only much older, but also based on the season of life we are in now, I don’t think that advice is quite as helpful in the same way for us. I think the times when we feel discouraged or cranky or unsettled, we need a change of pace, some fresh air and even better, a friendly face to talk to. It doesn’t have to be a conversation about the difficulties of the day or the week, though sometimes that helps too. Sometimes we just need to lift our eyes from exactly what is in front of us, peek into another person’s life and see how they’re doing as well. On days or even weeks when we’re just not feeling like ourselves, or are struggling with some discouragement or disappointment, unsettledness in an area, need wisdom, or whatever it may be, living in isolation is just about one of the worst things we can do. We do need to turn to Jesus in those times because He is truly a better friend than anyone, who understands all of our sorrows, can change our hearts in the midst of hard times, and loves us like nobody else does. We do need to bring both the little and big things before God and even when we cannot, Jesus intercedes on our behalf. We don’t need to do this because it’s another to-do. We get to because we have the freedom to talk directly to the God of the universe Who loves us more than we could ever comprehend or imagine. But I do believe He places people in our lives for a reason and He uses community to lift us up and point us to Him. I experienced a bit of that lifting that afternoon at the park.
We pulled in to the parking lot and Kai and Jude immediately jumped out of the van to find other kids. I took my time unbuckling Sadie, and Gabe walked slowly up to the picnic tables with us. My face must be a giveaway for exactly how I’m feeling because as we approached, the other moms looked at me and said something about how I was not okay. As I slumped down onto the bench of the picnic table, I said, “It has been A DAY. I almost thought maybe we shouldn’t even come and I questioned my decision to do so on the way here.” Immediately one mom responded, “That is exactly why you need to be here today.” Those words settled something in my soul. “Why yes, that’s true,” I thought to myself. “Maybe I do need to be here today.” So I sat and laughed and talked with six other moms. I didn’t need to share anything about the day; I had nothing to vent, I wasn’t seeking advice. I just was able to sit and listen, ask questions and laugh at the twists and turns of conversation. A couple hours of that and then we all gathered up kids (and nerf guns) and parted ways. I still came home to a mess and a list of things to do, but my attitude and approach were different. When kids are behaving badly, often times what they need is some connection. When adults are behaving badly, maybe what we need is some connection as well. Connection with the Lord, but also connection with another person. I have found this to be true in my own life. Sometimes it’s even just a quick encounter outside with a neighbor or a ten minute conversation with a really nice person at a park. We need each other and when we build a life where others are an integral part of it, well that’s a beautiful thing.
Once, years ago, when the kids were little and Jude had been added to the bunch, my very close friend sent me a text asking if we were able to get together with the kids at the newly remodeled library. It was a spontaneous invite and nothing hinted at it meaning anything other than that she simply wanted to meet up. Both of our oldest kids were at school and so our time was somewhat limited but I said yes. Soon we were all together, the little kids looking at books and playing with toys, my friend and I sitting nearby talking. She was very down that day, having a truly terrible day and struggling through some hard thoughts. She shared it all and I just listened. I tried to offer some encouragement but stayed away from quick fixes and advice. It was the type of conversation where you can tell the person doesn’t need to be told what to believe or think. They don’t need to be offered some little nugget of wisdom that will change their mood, their attitude, or everything. They just need someone to listen, someone to handle it and love them through their venting, their negativity, their discouragement and downcast spirit. Even if it only lasts a day or a week before things begin to look brighter again. That’s all it was really; I think she was feeling better and happier within a day or two. But I’ve never forgotten that day. It stands out to me because she trusted me enough to reach out, made time to get together, and let me in to how she was really feeling and currently processing. She didn’t attempt to tie it up or make it look pretty- she was honest and we could sit together in that. I love that. I want to be the same safe space for people now and I hope to have a safe place like that to turn to as well.
So, this is just a reminder to me and to anyone else who needs it, show up. Show up as yourself on both your good and bad days (and weeks and moments). Be a safe place for others by listening well and look for your own safe people. Don’t be afraid to be a bit vulnerable- nobody is perfect anyway. Sometimes you might need some wise counsel, but many times all you really need is some sunshine and a person to share a laugh.